lauraldanne’s blabbernothings

Yeah! Finals are over. Yay for me.

I can now relax.

Uh, wait, not so fast, missy. I have just been forewarned by my everdearest mother that as soon as I hang the studying cap this semester, I would have to make up for all the chores I had passed up because I was "supposedly" studying. Right, like they won’t cut me any slack. Sucks. Well, they’ve just gotten tired of my constant tirade of "I can’t, gotta study" after each "Ni, can you please do this." Tahaha.

So yeah, but I just got home from school a couple of hours ago after playing video games with a friend of mine as soon as I got out of my Government class. How fun. So now, I shall relish in the glory of knowing I don’t have to go to school for a whole month, and in the memory of the fun-filled remainder of the afternoon.

Now, what can I do for a whole month? I definitely should go out. Right. That’s easier said than done. I need someone to go out with first; someone who’ll offer to drive and pick me up and take me back home. Because I definitely will not drive downtown, where all the action is. Haha. Loser. Funny, I was actually playing "Race Car" at the arcade, or yeah, whatever it’s called. And I kissed the wall quite a few times. Haha. But I was flying through the maze of cars on the highway for the time I was actually on the road.

Anywho, I actually wanted to rant and laugh about this thing that’s quite annoying. But I started out this blog entry with this big-ass grin on my face, so I really have no intention of erasing it anytime soon. I have to start catching up on my blogspot entries, though. whoopwhoop.

I so love the smell lingering on my shirt. *mmmmhmmmm*

i hate you, Typhoon Durian! or Reming, as you insisted to be called on local soil…you blew off my grandparents’ roof in Bicol. I want vengeance against your sorry arse. damn you. you damaged everything people possessed. you ruined the lives of many others. people have lost their lives because of you.

so you expect to just wreak havoc and leave it all behind. how dare you?! bwiset ka, Durian.

i have so much to be thankful for that my grandparents are safe and sound, though, but i still haven’t heard from the rest of my relatives in Bicol. huhu.

oh, please, please, please, i hope and pray that they are safe and well.

Laureen, you’re such a chicken. Akala ko ba kaya mo yun. Pweh.

Damn, I wanna kick myself in the rear end. I was so close to asking, and I chickened out.

*I pity the foo*

this is dumb. dumass ka, prenster! my post just went kapoof into thin air with one click of the "Add Category," so i won’t even try anything anymore. meaning…i have to type an entire post all over again. Grrrrr.

anyhey….

ngayon pala yun. di ko namalayan natapos nalang yung araw. dahil kaya marami lang akong ginagawa kaya nakalimutan ko? dahil busy lang ako? or dahil sinadya ko talagang makalimutan dahil wala naman talagang dapat i-celebrate? i dunno.

i’ve become such a cynic, too. cynic about love and all those love stories portrayed in the movies. i watched The Lake House last night and i just lost count of the number of times i was squirming in my seat wondering how that was even possible. and to think that i was dying…just DYING…to see that movie when it came out months ago. i even swore to buy the DVD. but i was attached then. i obviously didn’t get the DVD and resorted to watching the movie on cable instead. but as i stared at the screen, i was shaking my head in disbelief and couldn’t understand why the movie was supposed to be magical *cough*CYNIC*cough*

the movie was ok. ok, ok, i liked. there, you got me. but why would i not? my faves lead the character bill - Sandy and Keanu. and despite having already seen the original Korean flick, Il Mare, i still found myself at the edge of my seat. i still wanted kate and alex (it was alex, right?) to finally meet. i wanted to see how the American version would end. so i guess i still have that hopeless romatic streak in me, after all *sigh*

but yeah, i did have those cynical moments where i was like, "nakakainis yang babaeng yan, gusto kong pukpukin sa ulo" and "paano naman nangyari yun? hmph. kaasar." haha.

but you know what…i did watch the movie all over again a while ago. well, i tried to watch the entire movie. it just sucks that midway i got this blank black screen followed by the message "Your time to view this movie has expired. You can watch this again by ordering it from your remote." Ay, leche ka. so yeah, i was bummed.

so where exactly was i going with this nonsensical kwento? beats me. i wasn’t even supposed to be typing this entry. instead, i’m supposed to be typing an essay about the purpose of the 14th and 15th amendments, and how they affected the lives of the average American. sounds heavenly, right? WRONG. i’m drowning in…in…basically nothing. i have no idea what to write. i am sad sad sad. pathetic even.

i haven’t even updated my blogspot yet. well, i’ve been busy. exams left and right, Int’l EXPO, camping, Thanksgiving holiday, driving around, research - too much work here in Texas. right, i don’t even have a job - a paying job, might i clarify that.

so anyway, i really should end my blabbing now. until the next round of blabbernothings…au revoir.

GAGO ka, Friendster. asan yung post ko?

Ok, nasa ranting mode nanaman ako ngayon.

I was checking out my Friendster profile, right, and checked out my testimonials. Tuwa pa nga ako eh kasi 136 pala testimonials ko. Pag dating ko sa last page (page28 ata) eh lokong lecheng yawa yang Friendster - kulang testimonials ko. Yung first testi ko lumalabas galing kay Louis, eh si Carla dapat una. Supposedly 2003 yun.

Hay naku, naiinis ako. Maybe bug nanaman. Malay ko. Pero naiinis nanaman ako.

Anywho, may camping ako. Weeeeeee. Layas ako ng bahay on my own with my Asian troops. haha. Di pa nga ako nakaka-update ng blogspot ko. Busy kasi ang lola nyo eh. Ang hectic ng schedule ko dito sa Texas - kaloka talaga.

So ayun, alis na ako. Maiwan pa ako ng bus ko. have fun sakin! haha.

i lost my dog Russ

i am heartbroken

How can you walk away just like that?

How can you bear the thought of leaving behind the one thing that made you happy for almost a decade?

How can you muster losing something and act like it didn’t mean anything?

Don’t you care at all?

Did it not mean anything to you?

Is it really as easy as a snap of a finger?

Is this what you really wanted from the beginning?

Were you no longer happy with what you had?

Is it really that easy to turn your back on something so deep, so pure, so true?

What happened to waiting and getting by easily?

What happened to making a promise and then end up breaking it anyway?

Well, screw you!

But wasn’t it just a trial?

Maybe it was at that point, but it was probably evident that in the long run, the inevitable would occur. It’ll be the same heart-wrenching ending.

So nobody was supposed to know. Nobody needed to know. Yes, just so we could save face and push everything under the covers and deny it actually did happen. It was working. Nobody asked and nobody told. But as days went by, the lies accumulated.

I’m tired. I’m tired of exerting all my effort in something I don’t get anything back from. It’s as if I’ve been doing all the friggin work for the longest time.

I’m tired of hoping. And making endless dreams. And reciting unanswered prayers. And yearning for a tomorrow that may never come.

I’m tired of just smiling. And pretending that everything is just dandy.

I’ve held on for as long as I could. I refused to let go. I hung on to the end of the rope for what seemed like an eternity.

We’ve talked about this. We’ve discussed some of the possibilities. We’ll be fine.

I didn’t know who could listen. I was just clueless. And I was afraid of what they might say.

Then one day, someone asked, and what I’ve been feeling for the past few months came out like an avalanche. Putting it out in the open just made me realize what I should have probably done from the beginning. You know, just to save me from being so over stressed-out from everything else.

And I didn’t cry. Maybe I was afraid that if I started sniffling, I would make a complete fool of myself, blowing out snot in between sobs and spattering out words of hurt and dread and confusion. Maybe I’ve cried too much already in the past. Maybe my tear ducts are dried out. Maybe it really hasn’t sunken it yet. Maybe I’m just subconsciously mentally preparing myself for a tear-fest evening.

I feel like I owe people an explanation. I really don’t. I just don’t want people to draw their own conclusions without knowing the whole story. If you don’t know squat, just shut your piehole and don’t make up stories. Asking me will actually do you no harm.

As much as I feel like I am pretty open about things, there are certain people I choose to pour it all out to. There are those chosen few that can get private thoughts out of me without even trying. And they haven’t heard from me in a while. I have kept silent for the longest time, too. And I am certain that they do not blame me.

October 11 (Wed)
Band Concert (required in my music class)
PsychSurf Lab to print references
Write History Midterm essays (remaining 4)

October 12 (Thurs)
Map Test in Government (South America)
Write History Midterm essays (if not finished)

October 13 (Fri)
Physical exam (downtown) = rescheduled to the 20th
Guitar Ensemble (required for music class) = cancelled
Write History Midterm exam and/or Psychology Research Paper

October 14 (Sat)
Write paperSSSS
Study for Psychology exam #3
Study for Music exam #2

October 15 (Sun)
deadline for early submission of History Midterm
Write Psychology Research Paper

October 16 (Mon)
Psychology Reaserch paper

October 17 (Tues)
Music Exam (Baroque and Classical Periods)
Psychology Exam (Erikson, Fromm, and Rogers)
DEADLINE History Midterm

October 18 (Wed)
write Psychology Research paper
study for map test

October 19 (Thurs)
Psychology Research Paper DEADLINE
Map test in Government (Africa)
5th Anniversary on American soil

I am so busy, it’s not even funny. I should be allowed to reward myself next weeken, don’t you think. I’ve set the date in my head; I’ve asked permission from my parents, although they seemed quite apprehensive at first, they seem to be ok with the idea. Just a little more coaxing and I will be just fine. I deserve it. They should let me do what I want to do.

Oh help me, Lord.

[edit#1 - Oct.14 (Sat) 10am]

I think I have finally started to accept the fact that some good things do come to an end.

I have started to feel that I can in fact move on from something as unbearable and unthinkable as this.

What used to make me feel so happy is now hanging on a thread for dear life as it is about to enter the realm of blissful memories and nothing else.

I guess I’m starting to see the remnants of what-has-been, and I can’t seem to wait to start anew, on a new foot in a new environment.

I’m now smiling more, oftentimes accompanied by staring off into space remembering silly things I haven’t thought of in a while.

But sometimes I still find myself confused. I still find myself wondering why things just have to be this complicated. I am still stunned by the occasional "what if."

And although I have been forewarned, I can’t help myself. It seems to be inevitable, and I have become attached to the thought of it.

It may seem a bit harsh on my part, but I do think this is for the best. It might even appear as though I never cared about what has transpired and that I am one heartless biatch that can just walk away unscathed. If they only knew how many sleepless nights I spent thinking about this, then they would understand. It wasn’t easy at all. I was on the verge of insanity, to say the least.

But I’ve come to realize that there really is a reason for things that happen. And though the choices may not be what we expect, we have to make one. And then go on with our lives.